Are You In Control?
Is anyone, really...?
Times, they are a’changing at the email factory that pays my bills and it brought to mind the chapter I wrote on ‘control’ in my book, Where The Heart Is.
I open this chapter with a quote by Alice Walker: ‘The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.’ I love collecting quotes and aphorisms, and I find that the ones you need the most come to you at just the right time. Later in the chapter I also quote the iconic Carol Burnett— ‘Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.’—which neatly captures the way that the feeling of control manifests in the home: as a matter of agency.
Re-reading this chapter today, I was struck by how much of my research, experience and guidance around control also applies to situations outside of the home—like work. I cite a fascinating piece of research from 2010 called Born to Choose which reveals a biological imperative for control and states that “belief in one’s ability to exert control over the environment and to produce desired results is essential for an individual’s well-being.” Well, dang, if that ain’t the root of the problem faced by so many worker bees in email factories today.
So what’s a girl to do when change is in the air and you seemingly have no control over the outcome? I drew a tarot card, of course, and the cosmos gave me Justice which was fiery and redemptive and utterly perfect. And then I turned to the same tools I used when life was spiralling on the home front and I needed a bit of a steady hand on the tiller:
Practice the Serenity Prayer
‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’ Get some perspective, basically. I like the ancient Stoics on this matter who knew you needed to shift your focus from the things you cannot control, to the things you can. This applies to absolutely every arena of life.
Get some greenery
Tending to plants—potted or cut—is a really neat way to tap into the feeling of control again when things are raging. Plants of all stripes are so accessible and responsive to extremely basic things, like light and water; they don’t judge you on your productivity or how well you make PowerPoint decks. Now I have a wildling little garden, I’ve taken to stomping out in my clogs and watering things or pulling up weeds, even though as I explained last week, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. But hey! The biophilia boost is also a great way to regulate the nervous system when things go to shit. Win-win!
Ask better questions
What’s stopping me from changing my working life? The fear I won’t be able to pay the mortgage. I mean, it’s hardly an original thought. Fear-based decisions might feel necessary, but they’re not sustainable. And fear-based decisions often result from asking ourselves the wrong or incomplete questions. So, instead, what would a great day at work look like? When am I happiest at work and outside of it? When was the last time I felt proud of something I accomplished? Often you don’t need to go very far to find the answers, although the answers might end up taking you very far indeed.
It’s what you do—not what you are
Job titles used to mean everything to me. The incremental rise up the greasy pole through a variety of word-salad job descriptions and meaningless bullsh*t titles—Account Executive, Account Manager, Global Lead, Global Manager—until, about eight years ago, I just stopped caring. I think it coincided with working for a company that didn’t issue business cards. Here’s a perfect quote for you: ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’ Maya Angelou, of course. We’d all do well to remember this at work, where reputation casts a long emotional shadow, for good or bad. Not that any of this means anything on places like LinkedIn (vomit) where job searches are forced through very exacting job titles which feels so… unreconstructed? We all contain multitudes. I’m holding out for a vibes-based professional network, and until then I’ll just call myself the CEO of the Office of Katie McCrory.
***
Earlier this week, a friend came over for coffee in the garden. We sat under the dappled light of the neighbour’s apple tree which hangs over my table and chairs and I felt, briefly, completely zen. She told me that there was something I’d written in the chapter on control which really made her stop and think—it’s the research I cite about tendencies in the general public towards ‘driving’ and ‘drifting’. Drivers represent a minority of people, at 40%, and they are typically characterised by an excitement to experiment and embrace change. Drifters, on the other hand, at a full 60% of the population, feel uncertain about change and prefer stability. Of course it’s not cut and dry and different seasons of our lives will nudge us into one or other camp. But for my friend, it hit a nerve. “I’m a driver”, she told me, “so what am I doing just drifting along?” My favourite part of this story is that she then marched into her kids’ bedroom and totally renovated it over one weekend, and that is some classic Type A behaviour I can totally get on board with. Game recognises game, after all.
Here’s the thing. For a long time, I thought that being in control was about being in the driving seat. But now I see it’s about choice. Control is individual agency, not absolute power. You can roll the dice as many times as you want, my friends. And yes, things will happen to us that will be unutterably shit and we will have to wake up every day and face the consequences anew. But even in the hardest, saddest and worstest of times, even in the moments where we reach our limit or there is no more path to take in the only direction we want to go, we get to make a choice. Isn’t that amazing?
To offer up my own kind of Serenity Prayer: when you know your own power, Lord knows what you’re capable of.